It's been over a year since writing an entry. The last was in September 2011. But for the past week I've been kicking the idea of starting up again around in my head.
This week has been nothing but depressing in more than one area of my life. On Sunday I jogged/walked a 5K and was certain that I had beat my time by minutes from the previous Saturday only to find out I didn't. I felt that I'd spent more time jogging at a good clip than the previous Saturday and was very disappointed. I'm signed up for another 5k in San Francisco, "The Mermaid Run" in November and am not sure I'll even go.
Monday is my weigh-in day at Weight Watchers. I figured I'd lost a little but when I weighed I was up by about a pound. I began eating directly after the meeting and haven't stopped yet.
Tuesday I found out a wonderful teacher and all around great person was killed in a car accident. She was a special education teacher I'd worked with a couple of times. Every time I ran into Joan she was friendly and cheerful. She leaves behind a husband, three children and many people who loved her.
Thursday I decided to weigh myself at my doctor's office. When I stepped on the scale it weighed me almost ten pounds heavier than the Weight Watcher's scale on Monday night. I know that I didn't put on ten pounds in three days, so one of the scales was wrong. When I got home I hopped on my scale and it was a couple of pounds lighter than my doctor's scale. Two scales say my weight is around 185 and one that says it's around 175. Which scale do I believe? I think tomorrow I'll weigh at my doctor's and then go on to my Weight Watchers meeting to weigh.
Friday and Saturday I spent eating anything and everything I wanted. Too depressing to go into in detail, so I won't. Today I've done nothing but eat, sleep and watch television. I didn't even feel like going out to eat or get more junk food. I've been eating whatever I can find here, some healthy things and some not so healthy.
What concerns me is that I feel exactly like I have the other times I lost weight and then put it all back on again. The depression and feelings of hopelessness are so familiar they're almost old friends. Except they're not friends, they're just familiar. I'm so afraid of putting the weight back on, even the weight I thought I'd lost, but evidently (at least according to my doctor's scale) didn't.
Right now there's a superstorm, Hurricane Sandy, battering the east coast. I'm in the middle of my own superstorm. I feel like everything is crashing down on me and I'm powerless to stop the ball rolling and threatening to run me over. I keep telling myself that I will begin again tomorrow with an early morning workout at the gym. However, I said that to myself all day yesterday and it didn't happen. I am telling myself right now that I WILL go tomorrow and feel confident that this time I'll really go. I'm hoping I do keep that date and begin back on the road to weight loss and feeling better.